Still, I Don’t Regret a Single Day

I would be a liar if I said I weren’t scared.

Sure, everyone has said repeatedly that I don’t need to feel guilty, that it’s not my fault, that it’s nobody’s fault. But even without this kind of situation, I still constantly feel guilty about almost everything anyway.

It’s like having that so called Catholic guilt without actually being Catholic, or even that religious in general.

I’m scared that from the moment I decided to be happy, I’ll have to start sacrificing other things that mean a lot to me. It’s like preserving some form of balance of the universe, you know, like yin and yang or something. Does this make any sense? Is this healthy? I know it’s not.

It’s like a sick fucking version of the proverb “Bersakit-sakit dahulu, bersenang-senang kemudian.” I mean, is the “bersakit-sakit” phase really necessary? Is it like some kind of karma given on advance? In what form, exactly? Illness? Pain? Grief? Does the amount of this “bersakit-sakit” phase consistently adjust itself to stay congruent to the amount of “bersenang-senang” we get?

Was she told when she was young that pain would lead to pleasure?
Did she understand it when they said
That a man must break his back to earn his day of leisure?
Will she still believe it when he’s dead?

The Beatles, Girl
(one of my favourite Beatles songs ever, and if you ever discredit The Beatles as being overrated or something, well, I don’t mind or care that much, really)

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15 responses to “Still, I Don’t Regret a Single Day

  1. *

    Yes, you don’t need to feel that bad.

  2. indieschmindie

    @mysterious asterisk person: i know, or i think i do. but i can’t help it, you know.

  3. tobytall

    Guilty feeling came after I stole candy in a supermarket.
    I’ve heard stealing is a sin.
    I wonder whether to be happy is a sin…
    Let me check.

  4. indieschmindie

    =)

    ah, but the thing is i’m being happy over others’ unhappiness. well, okay not really.

    ah, it’s just my guilt complex thing. which might be just a load of crap but i just discovered it this year so i’ll keep using and talking about it. guilt complex. oooohhhh…

  5. thenew

    well, i’m not really sure about the karma thing.
    but it does happen. a lot.
    it’s just sucks,
    haha.
    well, nice song to pick anyway.
    and they’re not overrated.
    they’re just formidable.

    cheers.

  6. indieschmindie

    @yangbaru/nouveau/neu/nuovo:
    that’s the thing. how can we know if karma’s going to get us? and when? instant karma sounds painful, but at least there won’t be any sort of anxiety waiting to get or not get us. not that i’m really that anxious or anything.

    • thenew

      well, i think it’s something that cannot be anticipated.
      (though it would be really really great if we could do that)
      that’s just the crappiest part.
      except u’re some kind of john titor or God-like.
      u’ll know it before ur eyes,
      haha

      but sucks-ly,
      we just need to accept it -with the right manner- at an unpredictable time,
      even probably the worst time.
      but something to be noted:
      it does happen.

      anxiety is a normal thing.
      though sometimes i’d prefer not to feel anything.
      f-ing human.
      but that’s life, indie.

      *anw, great mind u have there inside.
      and interesting page.
      let me browse ur other topic.
      see if i can get another superior enlightenment.
      hmm

      cheers,

      • indieschmindie

        @thenew:
        thanks you for the compliment :) and please do browse. but can you do me a favor, oo mysterious one, tell me. do i know you? identify yourself please.

        ;)

        p.s. i had to google john titor to find out who he is. hehe.

  7. thenew

    u’re welcome.
    and there’s no thank needed.
    u are what u are, okay.

    hmm,
    i think i saw u in another life,
    haha
    nah, i’m just another ordinary passer-by,
    do you know me?
    though there’s a chance since it’s a really sad little world, i dont think so.
    i have no clue who u really are,
    and somehow i cant let people know who i really am here too.
    the mass is too overflowing here.
    and i dont like mass as much as i dont like the pictures of whoever face being taken in a typical-upper-side in those community shite.
    sometimes it gives me headache. or nausea.

    but i think it’d be great to know u.
    i think i can use some of ur thought for my own end.
    hehe. kidding.

    * it’s cool if john titor is really true, eh?
    woo, time machine.

    cheers,

    • indieschmindie

      haha okay, it’s great to know i don’t really know you and vice versa. otherwise my curiosity would haunt me to death.

      anyway, yes i think it’d be great to know you to. may i? if not in person, why can always do some kind of virtual handshake via e-mail or something if you wish to stay so mysterious. hahahaha.

      *anyway you do have an e-mail address, right? it would be stranger than strange not to have one these days, or even back in the 90s. haha.

      • haha
        don’t die on me first then,
        since i havent really met u yet.

        yes,
        absolutely.
        (because this starting to be slipping out of the main topic anyway)
        it’d be great,
        just like when luke skywalker found ‘the force’.
        i dont mind to meet in person,
        and i want to share my e-mail too,
        but i’m definitely sure that i’m not doing it here.
        i dont fancy my e-mail being jeopardized by many strangers.
        especially facebook-activists.
        heheh

        so i dont really know how to do it.
        kindly do let me know if u have any brilliant idea in that magnificent brain of yours.

        cheers,

      • indieschmindie

        sweet.

        i’ll sacrifice my e-mail then. i don’t mind, and hell, the worse thing people can do is send me anonymous pervy notes or offer genital-enlargement or something. they won’t do me any harm. i mean, not directly. i mean, um, ah nevermind.

        here you go:
        (address edited out because teh internet is evil)

        and forgive me, i couldn’t think of anything more groundbreaking or brilliant in any way, like maybe i can try to read your mind or more effectively, your IP address. but alas, i am only human.

    • indieschmindie

      adorable? are you talking about moi or some cute little kitten near you or, i don’t know, dakota fanning or any other cute wunderkind out there?

      :P

  8. thenew

    touche.

    haha,
    then please allow me to think ways of returning this striking sacrifice of yours one day.

    cheers,

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