I would be a liar if I said I weren’t scared.
Sure, everyone has said repeatedly that I don’t need to feel guilty, that it’s not my fault, that it’s nobody’s fault. But even without this kind of situation, I still constantly feel guilty about almost everything anyway.
It’s like having that so called Catholic guilt without actually being Catholic, or even that religious in general.
I’m scared that from the moment I decided to be happy, I’ll have to start sacrificing other things that mean a lot to me. It’s like preserving some form of balance of the universe, you know, like yin and yang or something. Does this make any sense? Is this healthy? I know it’s not.
It’s like a sick fucking version of the proverb “Bersakit-sakit dahulu, bersenang-senang kemudian.” I mean, is the “bersakit-sakit” phase really necessary? Is it like some kind of karma given on advance? In what form, exactly? Illness? Pain? Grief? Does the amount of this “bersakit-sakit” phase consistently adjust itself to stay congruent to the amount of “bersenang-senang” we get?
Was she told when she was young that pain would lead to pleasure?
Did she understand it when they said
That a man must break his back to earn his day of leisure?
Will she still believe it when he’s dead?
The Beatles, Girl
(one of my favourite Beatles songs ever, and if you ever discredit The Beatles as being overrated or something, well, I don’t mind or care that much, really)